I’m sad you’re hurting like this. I know it’s hard to see anything outside of this very moment, but I want you to know that the pain you feel right now will not last forever.
You are not alone in this battle.
I am not a medical or mental health professional (although I do strongly encourage you to find one), nor can I understand exactly how you feel right now because everyone is different. I’m just a girl who has danced around where you are and has had suicidal thoughts speak up in my head on more occasions than one.
In my experience, suicidal thoughts aren’t unprecedented. They don’t just come out of the blue. They’re a result of being beaten and broken down by life over and over again until one day you’re just not sure if you can take it anymore. And sometimes, it’s not even that life breaks you down but rather that your own thoughts and darkness cloud everything no matter how “good” or “bad” life may be at the time.
Regardless of why, this space is scary and it feels fragile. The complete and total exhaustion that just can’t be slept off doesn’t help either. But, this is not weakness. Water can’t be hot or cold if there’s none of it in the cup. This isn’t a moment of strength or weakness, it’s a moment of having nothing left in you. I’ll say it again, you are not weak.
If fact, it’s quite the opposite. You might not feel strength right now, but you are oh so strong. It’s seems to me, that the people who are faced with suicidal thoughts have already been through A LOT of crap. People, like you and I, who brush up against this have already had to endure a lot in life, but hey, we’re still here! All the bad days you’ve had before (you’ve made it through every single one of them) are irrefutable proof that you are, in fact, stronger than you think. Proof that you can get through extremely rocky things (life’s always a little rocky when you’re a Gem, right?).
There are people around you bring value to every single day just by being you. I know you might be saying, “they’ll be fine without me” but they won’t. My dad died by suicide and he was so very far from perfect. He had so many flaws. But he also had so many things left to teach me. So many stories I never got to hear. He was manipulative, had quite the temper, and didn’t always lead with compassion and yet, I’d take him at his worse over him being gone any day.
I care about you and I want you to stay alive. Seriously, it breaks my heart when I hear about anyone taking their life – even a complete stranger. So, yes you do matter.
Fighting to stay alive doesn’t have to mean clawing your way back up or getting your fists ready to approach life at full force because you probably don’t have the energy to do that right now. Fighting can mean sitting down. It can mean resting up. It can mean saying “no” to extra commitments and letting people down (they’ll get over it) in order for you to take care of yourself. It can mean wearing your favorite outfit or escaping into a video game or a book.
No one – absolutely no one – has the right to say that anyone’s struggles are less or more than someone else’s. We’re all dealing with something. So, when people say things like, “don’t feel sorry for yourself,” “don’t talk like that”, “life isn’t always fair”, “there’s people who have it worse than you”, “calm down”, “I know how you feel”, “focus on the positive”, or “I’m sorry”, recognize their attempt at support and realize they don’t know what to say. Don’t take it personally.
Your feelings are valid and your struggles are very, very real.
Know that their are two parts to what’s going on in your head, the quiet whisper that knows that someday, things will work out – maybe not today or tomorrow, but there’s part of you that knows light is out there. Then there’s the sickness, the darkness that tempts you into thinking you’re not enough, that you’re not worthy, that you don’t need to be here. It is so very wrong.
You are loved. You are worthy. You matter. You are enough. We need you.
Please friend, reach out for help. You can text “START” to 741 741 anytime for support or call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255. I also cannot encourage you enough to find a regular therapist. If I haven’t gotten professional help, I probably wouldn’t be here today. It took a few tried to find one I was happy with, but now therapy as equipped me with so many essential tools for handling life.
Photo: Kate Stutz